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Keishamaza!

This one is entirely for you

I hope that every time you pass by here

You will smile

You will cry

You will laugh hysterically

Maybe even roll your eyes

That You will know that my thoughts toward you are good

And that the world is yours for the taking

You will know that because you have Christ, you have everything

You will know that you are not alone You will give thanks for the gift of community

You will be inspired to do whatever is more than fly

You will know that you evoke joy and love and pleasure to anyone who experiences you.

You will know that people are good, sometimes they are just having a bad day

You will remember that you have Jesus, you know better

I hope that you will remember that you are made to start movements

That You are called to greatness

You will remember to give give and give because that is true living

I hope that you will feel many things

That you will know that the time to start is now

You are excellent

You are wise

You live in abundance

You are so dependable

You are royalty

You are loved!

You are the Child of Promise

We are taking territory

~Mama~

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Trash!

Sentences or words appended
An hour of rush, an hour of trash.
Your speed only slows you down.
For every mile gained, a moment lost.
For the harder you think, the tighter the chains.

An hour of rush, an hour of trash.
An hour of rush is where we are. In this hour,
we confuse what we want for what we think we want.

Reason eludes us. Time once an ally, now a foe or so we say.
We go faster yet we know not where we go.
We never stop to think of where we are going.

In this rush, we clown about one’s death and
forget we are in wait of our own. We sing of fortunes
lost in other’s homes and forget to build
our own or teach our children how.

In this hour of rush, we forget
that what we want is progress and
waste hours in reminisce on change in reach.
We forget that what we want we can give ourselves.

We are blind to our power and we forget an hour
of rush, an hour of trash. Rush not

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….

Sites unseen, beauty in this so
called night so rare. Shall another
50 years make this nation any different?
Kept in spite, I am lost in this lack of right.
Zeal, direction all absent.

Night is now appended to mare.
I feel lost in this nation.
Can I still call it home, it represents
Everything I hate?

When faced with the question
Where do you come from? Still, in chains all in
Vain, this rot I must call my home.

Still, would it be my home?
Can I change it? Can I make it any better or do
I have to change?

Faced with so much, shall this rot be made mould
or mulch? Shall it be foundation for
new nation, birth
to new era or probably the infancy
of greatness?

I don’t know, mine is to hope

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BLANK

Once peaking with color described,
now I feel blank as an African
sky in the dry, I am without play.

Then I was the ground on which great men
played, their intellect displayed. I, where
the dismayed were made.

On me, kingdoms were tied,
Nations bound, freedom lost.
But every blue moon,
by me futures were built.

But you sons of now, you accuse this
nation of having a tomorrow
bright as day without me but you couldn’t be closer
to night. Yet here I am blank as an
African sky in the dry.

Sons of now, let your spirits scream upon me,
place your words upon me so they
may speak, so they may preach
what you want to teach.

And if still, you remain in amaze, teased,
just write on and all change will bow.

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To the girl with Staying Power

Thandiwe; the loved one

What a joke!

Today’s your birthday

Today’s also Ma and Pa’s death anniversary

Today is 32 years since you ever loved anyone

Today is also 31 years and 362 days since you stood in the crack of that door listening to your family explain why they couldn’t take on an orphaned little girl .

It is also 31 years, 362 days and 5 hours since they all unanimously agreed to let Uuka take you to his home because his wife needed help around the house.

It is 31 years, 362 days and 3 hours since your family gave you away to slavery and decided to deny you an education.

It is 31 years , 362 days and 3 hours since your heart started to die a little

Today is 24 years and 260 days since you started your first job

Today is also 23 years since Uncle Uuka ripped your little skirt apart and demanded he must have you

Today is 23 years since you left Uuka’s house

Today is 23 years since you had anything to lose

Today is 23 years since your heart finally gave way

Today is 16 years since you had your first Abortion because Mr. Lincoln was a married man and you were not even sure it was his

Today as you distate everything life is and how much you were given a raw deal

Today as you drink your last beer.

I hear you

Crying! Shouting! Whispering! Asking

“What did you let them do to me?

God!

Why?

Make it stop!

Kill me Quick”

Save me from these thoughts

Thoughts of Old Uuka ripping my little skirt apart

Of lusty Lincoln growling in my ears

Thoughts of Alexia, Adam and Andria dying in my womb

Of Lincoln’s wife; broken and betrayed!

Of her baby whose blood you think is on your hands

Your skin melts to goose-bumps of thought,

Your voice sink to snide shattered whispers,

Alone!
The emptiness, blanketing all your emotions.

To be continued

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Of good gifts; Of Jesus Christ

After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying, “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward.”

Genesis 15:1 NKJV

There’ll be months when getting up needs every ounce of Courage in your entire being.

And they’ll be days when that gets used up too.

On these days nothing will make sense not food, not music, not the sun, not good hugs, not boys who talk well… Not good books, NOTHING!

On these days,

Just go get some good food and hang out with Jesus. He can take it!

I love you!

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You are Enough

Yes! You.

Thandiwe; the loved one!

Though you feel everything but love.

I just want you to know I pray for you.

On that morning when auntie Jean came to pick you from school because Ma and Pa had got an accident. These were common in your area because of all the drunk teenagers usually driving home from the bards in the morning. However, this time you could tell it was different. It was your birthday.

Your whole world was gone. Ma, Pa and the little brother you were all excited about. You’d only turned 8; too young to comprehend what this meant for you.

That is when it came again, the dark cloud! But like I said this time it was different. It stayed!

But still I prayed for you.

As you listened into through the crack of the door as your family decided what Happens to you. You heard each of them explain why they wouldn’t have you. Auntie Jean wanted to keep you but well, she wasn’t part of the family!

“Ma and Pa always said l was such a good gift to have? Did they lie? Why does no one want me?”You thought.

ALONE!

Finally Uncle Uuka finally agreed to take you because his wife Them back was now heavily pregnant and might need some help around the house.

RESPONSIBILITY!

This was new, this was different but you’re a strong girl. As as Ma used to say “intelligent” so you learnt everything you needed to perform your role really fast!

4 years later, you still missed being a child; playing, shouting, dancing, going to school and all those other things children do but you knew that season had ended.

Except for school, you thought that should continue. So you asked Auntie Themba and she laughed so hard asking what money your parents left for you to go to school. She said you could get a job.

You walked the streets of Soweto but everyone said you were too young. They’d be arrested for making you work. “Go to school ,child”, they said.

“I am trying”,You thought but soon gave up and decided to wait till you were 16. You studied the books auntie Jean Kept sending in the parcels so that you didn’t stay so far behind. You missed her. You wished you could write back. They’d be so much to tell.

When you turned 16, you started to work at the Copier. Mr and Mrs. Botha were kind to you and paid you well. They even help you get into vocational school so you can study to become a secretary and gave you time off. They reminded you of Ma and Pa. You almost loved them but you don’t love people. People die and leave you alone so you settled for being fond of them.

Back at home, Uuka and his wife were expecting their 4th Baby.

So that meant you are now moving from your room to start sleeping in the living room. It was a bit sad because of the mosquitoes but it was okay because “what could they do? You already started to die on the inside. It’s also easier to wake up early to prepare the house when you’re in the living room”

ABUSE

By your 17th birthday, you were a beautiful, strong, young lady. People said you looked a lot like Ma and had PA’s eyes.

You had a bright smile. It was always has though life wasn’t what it was. Your breasts grew and your hips were so profound. You were so beautiful.You knew it. So did Uuka.

Old disgusting Uuka!

That night he came onto you and tore your little skirt apart and said you were of age. He had to have you.

It was so painful but again you were already starting to die on the inside. It was just pain. Nothing new. For you, it was life.

IDENTITY

Then it hit you!

VIrginity!

That was gone

What were you supposed to give to your “husband”

Are you worth anything anymore?

Who will have you?

Will you have to tell of this tale?

The cloud was a lot darker that day.

On that day it was clear, you had no family and no Hope!

And that’s where you drew courage!

It was time to move to the city.

Time to try and change the world.

After all, what did you have to lose?

There’s no one as dangerous as one who has nothing to lose

Time check

3am; you pack up your stuff and start to pass them out through the window

5am; you get up, make breakfast for the children

7am; excuse yourself to go out and buy something.

8am ; you’re sitted on the bus to the city.

The city is so big; so many big building with magnificent lights. It was indeed the city of dreams. It was a dream!

You get out of the bus just next to the sheraton; it was a familiar place you’d read about in the magazines. So you walked in there with your bag and asked for a job.

Thankfully, they needed a cleaner so they hired you!

You got a little cubicle so you finally had a place to put your bags and possibly sleep.

You liked to work at the Sheraton. You were appreciated. And even given a promotion. “I must clean so well”, you thought.

6 months later, one of the managers Mr. Collins needed A PA and of course you were quickly suggested. The pay was good. You could even afford an apartment and nice clothes.

To be continued…

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THURSDAY, 3 MARCH 2016

THE FIGHT

As you take your seat across me on the table,
my back sore from waiting two solid hours for you to arrive
I smile…
See today I came to fight
To fight for you or with you?
I do not know
See I am not one to fight
But somehow today was different
See I hate to wait …
This time I wanted to wait…
Wait for the reason I should leave
And then you let me know
This time like 5 other times it was cakes
Well I had thought it would be parents or
Maybe fellowship or a friend who needed help or
perhaps just perhaps something work related
it has been really long since you used those
but the cake song?…
Truth is my heart broke just a little more…
but I went ahead to fight
or at least look for reason to fight
so I poured out my heart
you stare at me from across the table
I trY to let you know with my eyes the screams going on in my head,
” say something!!!!!!!!! I need to believe in something.”
you look on…
“‘How did we get here?” I ask.
Still you look on
Then open your mouth,
You speak …
Then I see it,
The thing I have been trying not to see all this while
Thrown in my face…
My heart breaks
completely…
You were never mine fully
That is why you never chose me…
I LET GO

I smile…

And go start another fight
With my father
I always win with him
We win together…
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Journal Entries…

THURSDAY, 3 MARCH 2016

NOTHING PREPARED HER FOR TODAY

The day she had to tell her daughter she was dying
Nothing prepared her for this one
How could she look into those big beautiful eyes full of dreams
Their dreams…
And tear her little girl apart
Deliberately…
Nothing prepared her for this day
The day she would tell her daughter she would not get better
That nothing was working anymore
Nothing prepared her for today…
So she calls her,”Isabellah!!!”
And hugs her tight and close
Really close…
Kissed her and says ,
“Goodnight”
With tears in her eyes, she turns off the light
Praying tomorrow she will be prepared
To break her little girls heart.
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Journals…

WEDNESDAY, 9 MARCH 2016

Sweetheart….

Sweetheart,
I am so sorry that you had to go through what you went through. i know you say it is okay but no it is not not at any level and not right now
I know you have started getting better . do not stop intentionally getting better do not allow to stop getting better. if not for you, for the rest of us
I want to say i hope you watch him go through the same pain and do nothing okay maybe you could make some scornful comments just for just but i cannot say that, he is my brother and i love him
I love him so much but i hate what he did to you
See i love you in a whole different way too
and i have from experience that what you need is not vindication
but healing,
restoration,
love!
so i pray for your heart…
that it never stops beating, however slow it beats it keeps beating one day it will catch up
I pray for you a deep revelation of Gods love for you and his daily pursuit for you and that in that you will understand your very true worth
I pray for you love; abundant, deep, huge ,emotional, overwhelming love: the love of God for you, that it will reach deep and tear you apart and build you back together piece by piece , that it will break down all your walls and teach you from the basic principals how to guard your heart. May you be renewed
I pray for you peace: peace in the truth that your father is mindful of you and that this story is his story: that there is assurance that you will be okay in fact more than okay
I pray for you patience; patience to trust the healing process of your heart, mind and body. i pray you enjoy and learn from this process
I pray for you a revelation of the Grace of God mostly over yourself; that you may forgive yourself! i know that is a hard one for you. you weren’t stupid, these things happen to the smartest of us. that is how the devil does his things or how we let him. so i pray that you may be gracious to you as you are to others.
I pray for you strength to hold on: the strength of God ; that you may grab hold of his promise for this will bring you through this
I pray for you intimacy with your father that you may realize that he has inscribed all you need on your heart. that his voice will e crystal clear to you in every circumstance
I pray for you a freedom that can only be experienced in God. that you will let go of that souvenir so that you can walk into your future a free woman
I pray that your heart will be unburdened and healed and open yet protected and guarded jealously
I pray for you wisdom, understanding and knowledge in everything you do
I Pray for you courage that one day you will tell this your story of hope and restoration so it may be a testimony of healing to many.
may God continually reveal your identity and divine purpose to you

keep walking this journey…
the devil will not win this one
let us keep walking
hand in hand…
love,
Persis

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….

13.4.2016

2 months!!!
How does it feel?
Bad, fake
Different shades of ugly
There is no sweetness to this
Just a brokenness that keeps growing
A palpable bitterness
It’s like someone keeps squeezing red hot pepper into my veins
Blood has never made soup
Not mine at least
I’ve been praying
I’m not really sure how to anymore
But I’ve been praying
Praying for this heaviness to lift
for my heart to get fixed
or maybe get a new heart
and mind
tired of praying some more
And asking
Asking why my tears seem too eager these days
I’m wary of smiling
Somehow I’m convinced
It’s only a matter of time before I lose my smile again
But i guess sometimes you have to break in order to be whole…..

i wonder when all this will end
completely…